Your Daily Douche

Mar 09

There’s no denying it, Axl Rose is an Archbishop of Douchedom.

There’s no denying it, Axl Rose is an Archbishop of Douchedom.

Mar 08

The PedestrianOffense: This young lad thinks the Luck of the Irish will get him farther than it actually will. He wanders into oncoming traffic, and wonders why the world won’t stop when everyone is obviously in his way. Offended, he yells out to draw attention to himself and announce, “Hey you! I’m here! So, Halt! I wish to walk!” We’ll cut him some slack. Perhaps he’s simply had a few too many. Or perhaps his mom had a few two many when he was still fermenting in her tank. Either way, we just hope our feisty fire-head starts looking both ways so he doesn’t end up an Irish potato pancake.douche no. 025brought to you by Your Daily Douche

The Pedestrian
Offense: This young lad thinks the Luck of the Irish will get him farther than it actually will. He wanders into oncoming traffic, and wonders why the world won’t stop when everyone is obviously in his way. Offended, he yells out to draw attention to himself and announce, “Hey you! I’m here! So, Halt! I wish to walk!” We’ll cut him some slack. Perhaps he’s simply had a few too many. Or perhaps his mom had a few two many when he was still fermenting in her tank. Either way, we just hope our feisty fire-head starts looking both ways so he doesn’t end up an Irish potato pancake.

douche no. 025
brought to you by Your Daily Douche

Mar 07

So Not Stone ColdOffense: This dude doesn’t even try to pretend that he doesn’t pretend to be Stone Cold Steve Austin. The closest he’s ever been to Stone Cold is the time he went to Stone Cold Creamery. Although there’s more to this douche than meets the eye. If you hang around and pay close attention at the end of the night… down at the end of the bar, you may catch a glimpse of something few people get the chance to see… the dark side of the douche. In this moment we see the true nature of the beast that is our Mr. Austin impersonator. He is a sad, sad, lonely man who simply aspires to be something cool because he’s not. This is the unfortunate case with a large percent of the douche population. While it does not forgive them, it does provide some insight into their obnoxious, offensive, behavior. Perhaps it is up to the rest of us to remind ourselves, and take pity on them from time to time… Only briefly, of course, before completely calling them out.
douche no. 024brought to you by Your Daily Douche

So Not Stone Cold
Offense: This dude doesn’t even try to pretend that he doesn’t pretend to be Stone Cold Steve Austin. The closest he’s ever been to Stone Cold is the time he went to Stone Cold Creamery. Although there’s more to this douche than meets the eye. If you hang around and pay close attention at the end of the night… down at the end of the bar, you may catch a glimpse of something few people get the chance to see… the dark side of the douche. In this moment we see the true nature of the beast that is our Mr. Austin impersonator. He is a sad, sad, lonely man who simply aspires to be something cool because he’s not. This is the unfortunate case with a large percent of the douche population. While it does not forgive them, it does provide some insight into their obnoxious, offensive, behavior. Perhaps it is up to the rest of us to remind ourselves, and take pity on them from time to time…
Only briefly, of course, before completely calling them out.

douche no. 024
brought to you by Your Daily Douche

Mar 06

The Body LandscaperOffense: This manly man is a total master when it comes to shaping the landscape of your backyard, or his backside… yet our green-thumbed groundsmith is ironically guilty of the crime of going against Nature. Because he so bumptiously boasts of his consistent refusal to lay back and take what Life hands him, one can assume that it is this methodology which he applies to his personal habits and physical maintenance. Rather than accepting his natural born identity as a human, this douche goes to great lengths to alter his given form… so much so, that his badass bod is basically beyond recognition as something from this world and not the world of Marvel. Despite the decreased mobility and significantly smaller range of motion commonly associated with X-treme beefing up, the Body Landscaper doesn’t see it as something that could potentially hinder his ability to perform his professional duties… preparing the parts and pieces of people’s patios, putting them in their individual places, and exerting extra effort to ensure accurate assemblies in perfect accordance with the proportions plotted by their punctiliously planned, mathematically precise blueprints. douche no. 023brought to you by Your Daily Douche

The Body Landscaper
Offense:
This manly man is a total master when it comes to shaping the landscape of your backyard, or his backside… yet our green-thumbed groundsmith is ironically guilty of the crime of going against Nature. Because he so bumptiously boasts of his consistent refusal to lay back and take what Life hands him, one can assume that it is this methodology which he applies to his personal habits and physical maintenance. Rather than accepting his natural born identity as a human, this douche goes to great lengths to alter his given form… so much so, that his badass bod is basically beyond recognition as something from this world and not the world of Marvel. Despite the decreased mobility and significantly smaller range of motion commonly associated with X-treme beefing up, the Body Landscaper doesn’t see it as something that could potentially hinder his ability to perform his professional duties… preparing the parts and pieces of people’s patios, putting them in their individual places, and exerting extra effort to ensure accurate assemblies in perfect accordance with the proportions plotted by their punctiliously planned, mathematically precise blueprints.


douche no. 023
brought to you by Your Daily Douche

Mar 05

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Mar 01

Today’s douche comes to us courtesy of nj-guido.com, who says about the New Jersey native, who they have dubbed Fag of the Year:

"Just as Sloth was tucked away in a slimy basement cave and chained to a  chair, this pipe smoker was in the attic room on call and ready to  service The Situation, Pauly D, and Vinnie at the drop of a hat."

Today’s douche comes to us courtesy of nj-guido.com, who says about the New Jersey native, who they have dubbed Fag of the Year:

"Just as Sloth was tucked away in a slimy basement cave and chained to a chair, this pipe smoker was in the attic room on call and ready to service The Situation, Pauly D, and Vinnie at the drop of a hat."

Feb 29

The SlumlordOffense: This city slicker, with the slicked back hair, is guilty of knowingly leasing and selling faulty properties and refusing to do anything about the considerably unlivable conditions his tenants are forced to endure. Anyone who has had to live on the South West side of Broad Street in Philadelphia has probably encountered this fellow. He’s a real-estate tycoon with all the trashiest townhouses.Bedbugs, cockroaches, mice, and more! You’ll never know what’s in store, when you pick The Slumlord as your landlord!douche no. 022 brought to you by Your Daily Douche

The Slumlord
Offense: This city slicker, with the slicked back hair, is guilty of knowingly leasing and selling faulty properties and refusing to do anything about the considerably unlivable conditions his tenants are forced to endure. Anyone who has had to live on the South West side of Broad Street in Philadelphia has probably encountered this fellow. He’s a real-estate tycoon with all the trashiest townhouses.

Bedbugs, cockroaches, mice, and more!
You’ll never know what’s in store,
when you pick The Slumlord as your landlord!

douche no. 022
brought to you by Your Daily Douche

Feb 28

Little ShirtOffense: This douche is guilty of one of three crimes, though the verdict has not been reached. The first potential offense Mr. Little Shirt faces is perusing the children’s section  as a grown man without a child, picking additions for his own wardrobe, without any sense of something potentially being wrong with that scenario. The second potential offense our douche faces, is the severe misuse of a washer/dryer unit and failure to acknowledge his mistake, convinced that by wearing his tiny clothing, he can “stretch it back out,” which he would presumably follow with a snicker. The third offense the douche in question faces is the intentional purchase of a shirt two sizes too small, in the hopes that the protrusion of his biceps will give the optical allusion of greater size, and therefore, manliness. rdouche no. 021brought to you by Your Daily Douche

Little Shirt
Offense: This douche is guilty of one of three crimes, though the verdict has not been reached. The first potential offense Mr. Little Shirt faces is perusing the children’s section  as a grown man without a child, picking additions for his own wardrobe, without any sense of something potentially being wrong with that scenario. The second potential offense our douche faces, is the severe misuse of a washer/dryer unit and failure to acknowledge his mistake, convinced that by wearing his tiny clothing, he can “stretch it back out,” which he would presumably follow with a snicker. The third offense the douche in question faces is the intentional purchase of a shirt two sizes too small, in the hopes that the protrusion of his biceps will give the optical allusion of greater size, and therefore, manliness.

rdouche no. 021
brought to you by Your Daily Douche

Feb 27

King Douche, D-VinLevel 10 DoucheD-Vin is the title given to today’s douche by his friends, or more likely, himself. At first, one could guess that this name was selected due to his resemblance to the legendary performer Divine, but in all actuality, this name is an abbreviation of the fellow’s less-than- tough birthname, Dennis Vincenzo. The doucheyness just oozes from every aspect of his being. Up to this point, no other douche featured on YourDailyDouche.com has reached this masterdouche’s level. As achiever of the highest douche score thusfar, we dub you, D-Vin, the new Reigning King of the Douches. (Don’t worry it’s basically the same as winning Homecoming King in 8th grade.)
douche no. 020brought to you by Your Daily Douche

King Douche, D-Vin
Level 10 Douche
D-Vin is the title given to today’s douche by his friends, or more likely, himself. At first, one could guess that this name was selected due to his resemblance to the legendary performer Divine, but in all actuality, this name is an abbreviation of the fellow’s less-than- tough birthname, Dennis Vincenzo. The doucheyness just oozes from every aspect of his being. Up to this point, no other douche featured on YourDailyDouche.com has reached this masterdouche’s level. As achiever of the highest douche score thusfar, we dub you, D-Vin, the new Reigning King of the Douches. (Don’t worry it’s basically the same as winning Homecoming King in 8th grade.)

douche no. 020
brought to you by Your Daily Douche

Feb 24

Southern Fried Douche Today’s douche comes to you courtesy of hobokengirl.wordpress.com, in a letter written to two members of the cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore. New Jersey is actually the state with the most highly concentrated population of douches per square foot, according to last year’s census.Look at this guy; he looks like Dib from Invader Zim, after getting fried in some nuclear explosion on a spaceship.

Southern Fried Douche
Today’s douche comes to you courtesy of hobokengirl.wordpress.com, in a letter written to two members of the cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore. New Jersey is actually the state with the most highly concentrated population of douches per square foot, according to last year’s census.
Look at this guy; he looks like Dib from Invader Zim, after getting fried in some nuclear explosion on a spaceship.

Feb 23

A douche walks into a bar…The 40(oz) FiendOffense: This haggard looking homie has stumbled out of his hood for a Saturday evening on the other side of town; and despite being in a foreign land, he’s offended by his inability to receive the same sort of corner-store convenience he’s used to at home. Am I wrong to guess that he missed out on the majority of high-school, either because he was drinking behind the dumpster between classes or just dropped out around 7th grade? It seems to me that after taking at least one Social Studies class, an individual might get the idea that a world exists outside of the bubble that encapsulates his basketball court, and it would be expected that things could be different in other parts of the world… such as, not in the ghetto.
douche no. 019brought to you by Your Daily Douche

A douche walks into a bar…
The 40(oz) Fiend
Offense
: This haggard looking homie has stumbled out of his hood for a Saturday evening on the other side of town; and despite being in a foreign land, he’s offended by his inability to receive the same sort of corner-store convenience he’s used to at home. Am I wrong to guess that he missed out on the majority of high-school, either because he was drinking behind the dumpster between classes or just dropped out around 7th grade? It seems to me that after taking at least one Social Studies class, an individual might get the idea that a world exists outside of the bubble that encapsulates his basketball court, and it would be expected that things could be different in other parts of the world… such as, not in the ghetto.

douche no. 019
brought to you by Your Daily Douche

Feb 22

A painter says to a cartoonist,Well I do real art.
 Dude. Go eat more acid and twirl around squirting ketchup bottles filled with neon fabric paint.

A painter says to a cartoonist,
Well I do real art.


Dude. Go eat more acid and twirl around squirting ketchup bottles filled with neon fabric paint.

Feb 21

The Southern Grassroots Alternative Christian Power RockerOffense: Aside from attempting to use compliments as a means of selling tickets (which is actually a pretty standard sales technique) this good ole’ boy is suspected of peddling a product that doesn’t actually exist in this plane of reality. When asked what his band actually sounds like, our fellow can provide us only with an answer that leads to so many questions that one can’t even attempt to think about where to begin.I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that, could you please say that again? I’m sorry, “Backyard, Nickleback, Daughtry, Allman Brothers type of feel," is not a valid answer. Please choose from the list of genres that are possible. Are those bands you want to be like, or bands whose songs you cover? Because the sound you just described doesn’t make sense. To save time, I’m going to assume you guys sound the most like Nickleback, because that freaking guy is the one who I think most inspires you, based on your choice of bead necklace and cranial / facial hair styling.douche no. 018brought to you by Your Daily Douche

The Southern Grassroots Alternative Christian Power Rocker
Offense:
Aside from attempting to use compliments as a means of selling tickets (which is actually a pretty standard sales technique) this good ole’ boy is suspected of peddling a product that doesn’t actually exist in this plane of reality. When asked what his band actually sounds like, our fellow can provide us only with an answer that leads to so many questions that one can’t even attempt to think about where to begin.
I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that, could you please say that again? I’m sorry, “Backyard, Nickleback, Daughtry, Allman Brothers type of feel," is not a valid answer. Please choose from the list of genres that are possible. Are those bands you want to be like, or bands whose songs you cover? Because the sound you just described doesn’t make sense. To save time, I’m going to assume you guys sound the most like Nickleback, because that freaking guy is the one who I think most inspires you, based on your choice of bead necklace and cranial / facial hair styling.

douche no. 018
brought to you by Your Daily Douche

Feb 20

In honor of President’s Day, YDD thought it would be nice to honor the president of a local party of passionate political pups. We present to you…The Young Republican Offense: Hard to believe that a person of his political affiliation wouldn’t understand the meaning of the word “No,” but this young man simply doesn’t take it for an answer… even when it means the fulfillment of his wishes would require breaking key Christian rules of conduct. I suppose it’s that sort of stubborn determination and excessive self esteem that has gotten you so far up the totem pole in your father’s hedge company. But you can’t always woo women the way you woo clients. Both may be fickle and generally easy to fool, but they really are two different markets.  douche no. 017brought to you by Your Daily Douche

In honor of President’s Day, YDD thought it would be nice to honor the president of a local party of passionate political pups. We present to you…
The Young Republican
Offense:
Hard to believe that a person of his political affiliation wouldn’t understand the meaning of the word “No,” but this young man simply doesn’t take it for an answer… even when it means the fulfillment of his wishes would require breaking key Christian rules of conduct. I suppose it’s that sort of stubborn determination and excessive self esteem that has gotten you so far up the totem pole in your father’s hedge company. But you can’t always woo women the way you woo clients. Both may be fickle and generally easy to fool, but they really are two different markets.

douche no. 017
brought to you by Your Daily Douche

Feb 17

We’d like to share this helpful reminder courtesy of brotips.com Just because your ex is into that sh*t doesn’t mean the rest of us are. Spare yourself and spare us! Don’t be a douche!


We’d like to share this helpful reminder courtesy of brotips.com Just because your ex is into that sh*t doesn’t mean the rest of us are. Spare yourself and spare us!
Don’t be a douche!

(Source: brotips)